I’m really, really sorry
CommentsWhen I told Wayne Besen I didn’t expect him to actually apologize for accusing me of “misleading” people that I’m getting paid for writing op-eds even after he finds out that I am, in fact, getting paid for writing op-eds, I told him I’m aware that “being gay means never having to say you’re sorry.” He responded: “That is a really hateful and ignorant statement. I demand a public apology for such propaganda” which kind of underscores my point. Wayne, in typical gay fashion, won’t apologize even when the facts are clear that he falsely accused someone of lying. Yet he will demand “a public apology” for anyone who criticizes LGBT people, no matter how deserved the criticism.
But I’ve been thinking about it. I’m just as gay as Wayne is. And I’ve never apologized for any of the terrible things gays and lesbians have done in recent years. So I’m going to devote this blog post to apologizing for LGBT misdeeds - not on behalf of the gay community, because I think it’s clear I have a very small constituency here at GaysDefendMarriage.com. But I will apologize on behalf of myself. To my knowledge, no prominent gay person has ever apologized for any of the five things listed below. I’ll be brave enough to be the first, and I encourage other members of our community to join me in having the strength to express regret for hurting innocent people.
In order to keep this post of manageable length, I won’t be able to fully enumerate the LGBT wrongs related to any of the topics below, nor to propose appropriate amends to atone for our misdeeds. But if people are interested perhaps I can do so in future posts.
1) Heterosexual AIDS
During the late 1980s and early 1990s, gay activists insisted that a wave of “heterosexual AIDS” was just around the corner in the United States, even though no data existed proving that was going to happen, and even though HIV spread through heterosexual sex has always been and continues to be a small percentage of the American transmissions of the virus. Out of fear that Americans would not devote energy to treating and curing a disease spread mostly through gay sex and drug use, AIDS activists consciously lied about the size of the miniscule threat to Americans who did not use drugs or have gay sex. As a result, huge sums of money were spent to educate about and prevent a “coming health epidemic” that would never materialize. People made major lifestyle changes to protect themselves from what was essentially a phantom menace. Now, I wasn’t openly gay until 1989, but I do remember raising a ruckus about “AIDS is not a gay disease,” despite the overwhelming evidence that AIDS was, and is, pretty much a gay disease, at least in America. I’m sorry. I was wrong.
2) Sexual Molestation
Whenever a Boy Scout leader is caught diddling young teen Scouts, or a priest is sued for fellating choir boys, the professional homosexuals trot out and declare that most child molesters, including the accused in that particular case, are “not gay.” Oh, please. Most such cases are not pedophiles who equally victimize little boys and little girls. These dreadful predators tend to be ephebophilies - men who are attracted to adolescent boys, and who coerce them into sexual activities that are precisely the same as the ones gay and bisexual men do in bedrooms, bathhouses, parks, and piers with each other. When two penguins or monkeys are found to be engaging in those same activities, the professional homosexuals rush to the microphones and announce the animals are “gay.” If a lizard who can’t speak or count to ten is “gay” when it sodomizes another same-sex lizard, what exactly is “not gay” about a Scoutmaster who does the same thing to a 12-year-old? The fact is, the gay community should apologize for and take steps toward preventing future cases of same-sex molestation. I’m really, really sorry people who enjoy the same sexual activities I am inclined toward have been hurting so many young men and boys.
3) Constitutional Amendments
The LGBT people who pushed the Hawaii and other lawsuits in the mid-1990s were fully aware they might provoke state and federal constitutional amendments to restrict the rights of same-sex couples. Indeed, 18 states now have constitutional amendments barring gay marriage or even civil unions. That means in order to get marginal benefits for same-sex couples in the super-pro-gay states of California and Massachusetts, couples in Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, Virginia, Ohio, Georgia, and a dozen other states have been sacrificed and now have no reasonable chance of any rights at all barring a Constitutional amendment or a U.S. Supreme Court decision implementing same-sex marriage nationwide, two things nobody seriously expects any time soon. I did speak out publicly against the lawsuit strategy in 1996 when I was still a sexually active gay man, but I now regret that I did not do more to stop the selfish, short-sighted lawsuits. I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused same-sex couples in Houston, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Columbus, Ann Arbor, and many other places who can’t even be sure they can visit the most important person in their lives in the hospital because gay leaders are so cruel.
4) Blocking measures to stop the early spread of AIDS
This is almost never talked about, but while I’m apologizing I might as well lay it all out. AIDS activists in the gay community have made a big fuss about blaming Ronald Reagan and Ed Koch and various other bogeymen for the early spread of HIV, but we should really be pointing our finger at ourselves. The gay obsession with equal treatment and sexual liberation meant that in the early 1980s, when AIDS really could have been slowed, nearly all accepted public health strategies for combating an epidemic were thwarted by a gay community that kept whining about its civil liberties. Well, if there’s an outbreak of West Nile or Ebola or Bird Flu, civil liberties should be the last thing people worry about, because new viruses carry the risk of wiping out huge swaths of the population. In the first years of the AIDS epidemic, there should have been contact tracing - with names - and major sites of transmission, like bathhouses, should have been closed. Even quarantine should have been on the table. Instead we had gay activists declaring that “the government will close the baths over my dead body” - activists who often died soon thereafter. I was not yet openly gay at the time of this tragedy, but I can at least apologize that I haven’t apologized sooner for the fact people like me blamed others for the terrible things we did ourselves.
5) Stonewall Rebellion
Since the early 1970s, I am apparently the only prominent voice in the LGBT community to have criticized the horribly immoral Stonewall rebellion, and especially the celebration of it in gay pride celebrations and the names of organizations like the Stonewall Democrats. But I do not think I have ever apologized for it. During my time as a sexually active gay man I certainly spoke approvingly of Stonewall and I attended at least 25 gay pride celebrations of the anniversary of Stonewall, as many as eight per summer in the mid-1990s. I realize now that the New York City cops and the journalist that the Stonewall rebels nearly murdered were innocent of any wrongdoing, especially since the Stonewall Inn was an illegal mafia-run institution. While violence is called for in extreme cases like torture or genocide, gays faced nothing like that in New York City in the summer of 1969, and nothing more than a little civil disobedience would have been appropriate. It is embarrassing to me that so many LGBT people take such joy in dreadful behavior by members of our community. To New York City cops and to journalists everywhere, I am sorry for what we did to you at Stonewall, and I am especially sorry for pretending like our unprovoked violent attack on you is something to celebrate. I promise never to do it again.
Once again, Mr. Bianco is lobbing churlish and historically inaccurate attacks from the safety of the Internet. However, when he had his opportunity to meet me face-to-face at the NLGJA conference he cowered and backed out. He did so, even though he had agreed to appear - thus going back on his word. Typical Benkof.
Then, Bianco simultaneously pleaded poverty as his excuse for not going to NLGJA, while boasting about making all sorts of money from his columns. Something doesn’t add up.
Of course, Bianco is prone to exaggeration, so that’s nothing new. The cheapskate even asked that I pay his plane fare, although I am already paying my own way to DC for NLGJA conference. Talk about a lack of class!
David, if you are to chicken shit to meet live and debate at NLGJA, then you should not be launching attacks on the Internet. The bottom line is that you are a moral coward who is not able to defend his views. You had your opportunity (you still do) and you scurried away like a wet rat - making all sorts of lame excuses. You can still make it to the conference, but you are just too damn scared to discuss your views in front of an audience that is smart enough to call you on your B.S.
This is a truly bizarre piece on many levels.
It is not your place to apologize for acts that you yourself did not commit. I mean, why apologize for molesting young boys unless you yourself have molested young boys?
One could just as easily turn this around and demand an apology from all heterosexuals for the murder of Lawrence King or Matthew Shepard. But blaming all heterosexuals for the actions of some heterosexuals, just as blaming all gay people for the actions of some gay people, is ridiculous.
BIZARRE BIANCO-BENKOF,
David, based on this latest rant: I as a white man should apologize for the enslaved Africans brought to the New World because as a liberal I am opposed slavery, and yet as a white man with privilege I should apologize to white supremicists whose lives and economic endeavors were disrupted with the emancipation of black folk and the end of slavery. Or as a white man raise in the christian faith (althouh I consider myself a recoverin Catholic), in the name of religious and political expansion, should I apologize for the past (and ongoing) destruction of the First People/Native Americans. Or what about giving women the right to vote, diluding the basic male power structure, should I apologize to women for the past and ongoing discrimination in employment and power or should I stand up and ask for the reliquishment of all feminine rights in order to re-establish the male heirarchy? Or should I as a US citizen, apologize to the many families in Iraq and Afghanistan who suffer as a result of the occupation in the quest to make the World safe even though I didn’t even agree with the arrogant elite power folk in DC decision to invade. Should I promote a theocracy (but what faith) in the name of the almighty, yet we live in country with a separation of ‘the church and state.’ Should I apologize to my Almighty?
David, You seem like you are sitting on top of the play structure yelling at those on the playground that are (and continue to) ignoring you and as your temper tantrum builds you continue to become more dismissive, demeaning and cruel. You are not being consturctive, you are not being truthful and you are certainly not being nice.
It would be very interesting to find out what is truly feeding the hate that is growing inside of you.
“if you are to chicken shit to meet live and debate at NLGJA”
To debate, or to be shouted down, Wayne? And who allows the other to post on his blog? Who’s the coward here?
This is a crock o’ dile tears.
Wayne Besen-
It is amazing, but I guess not that surprising, that you would describe my post as “historically inaccurate” and give no specific examples even though I am a recognized gay historian and you are, well, not.
I just don’t understand your obsession with NLGJA, Wayne. I would be coming had you not announced that the purpose of my appearance was as entertainment, not serious dialogue. And part of why I was coming was to hobnob with editors who were potential customers of my gay-press column, which you succeeded in getting me to discontinue for lack of outlets. Once again, I understand that being gay means not taking any responsibility for anything, but the responsibility for my not coming to NLGJA is mostly yours, Wayne. You fouled up every reason I had for coming, so I see no point in spending my own money to come anymore.
Fannie-
It’s a fair question. The answer is contained in the example you gave of Matthew Shepard. The heterosexual community, if there is such a thing, was absolutely expected by LGBT people to atone for the way Matthew Shepard was treated. They were expected to denounce the attack and support various policies, including but not limited to hate crimes laws, that address the horrible crime against Shepard.
Similarly, I think it’s fair for LGBT people to apologize to the young people who were the victims of gay sex acts the did not or could not consent to. If as I think you believe gay sex is not immoral, you should be particularly horrified by instances of gay sex that are, clearly, immoral, and you should want to spread the word that gay sex can be an expression of mutual love, respect, honor, and nurturing rather than of predatory victimization. And there are ways the gay community can prevent and punish molestation - from my recent suggestion of trying to make it unacceptable to refer to gay sex partners real or imagined as “boy” to thoroughly rejecting convicted child molesters who wish leadership roles in the gay community - something that did not happen here in St. Louis.
Rusty,
Some legislatures and universities have indeed apologized for their role in slavery, for example. But I think you have a good point that too much apologizing undermines the whole enterprise. I think it seems like I was apologizing “too much” because gay people almost never apologize for anything, which makes my five apologies seem like I was going overboard. If every gay person felt comfortable apologizing even once every two years for something terrible LGBT people have done, it won’t appear excessive but it will show that we do indeed take responsibility for the inexcusable things people with our proclivities have done, and go a long way toward building bridges with non-gay people who have grown tired of our community and its irresponsibility.
There is a difference between believing that the Matthew Shepherd incident requires tougher laws - and saying all straight people are responsible for what happened to him and thus should apologize. Btw, no such apology came - lest of all from the religious right. Has the religious right actually apologized for anything?
When apologies are needed (like child sexual abuse via Catholic priests) - the apology is warranted from the Catholic hierarchy because they were culpible in letting the abuses continue (and even covering it up). I fail to see how the larger glbt community is similarly to blame for the unfortunate cases of child sexual abuse.
Your other examples were equally bad. The HIV problem for the straight community was projected by the scientific community. Should all scientists apologise for their errors? - they would be apologising ever other day.
I really don’t think your apologies are anything close to genuine - but rather another way for for to bash the glbt community. Maybe we should expect the orhtodox Jewish community to apologise for your boorish behaviour.
“being gay means never having to say you’re sorry”
David, that may be a philosophy that you emulate, but it’s certainly not consistent with what I’ve seen from fellow homosexuals nor is it something that I would personally condone or practice. However, I agree with Fannie and the others: it is not appropriate for one to apologize for something one did not do nor had no control over. Legislators apologized as an Instution for past treatment of blacks because of the past history of the Institution in supporting laws that degraded blacks. There are many similar examples.
You, however, DO owe us–the LBGTQ community–an apology for your outrageous behaviour. You degrade us at every opportunity. You lump everyone together and condemn the group. You provide your personal opinions as ‘fact’ and don’t provide validated sources to justify your stance; frankly, it would be polite to preface statements of opinion with the simple phrase, ‘in my opinion’. Try it sometime. It might actually take you a step closer to be being at least a little bit humble…something you definitely need!
David, oh wise sage, enlighten me again, since you call for apologies from members of the LGBT every two years, for things most LGBT folk weren’t even present for. . .
please tell me, as a christian white male, how often should I apologize to:
Native Americans, for the atrocities they suffered during the great ‘discovery of America’
Jews, Gypsies, the elderly and infirmed, mentally retarded/handicapped folk and their families who died under the NAZIs, while the USA, The Catholic Church and others turned their backs.
Black folk/African Americans, for the slavery, the abuse and the discrimination
The internment of Japanese Americans. . .and their families
Immigrants, poorly mistreated and underpaid, for the benefit of privileged folk
David many LGBT folk live productive yet quiet lives, paying taxes, supporting communities, neighbors, are business owners and successful employees. . .how are they supposed to apologize? and why?
I am a gay male, with a male partner of 6 years, and some of my friends come the communities of the Native Americans, Japanese Americans, Mexican Americans, Pan Asian Americans, African Americans. . .and none of them have ever asked me or my partner for an apology . . . for anything.
Regarding the David/Wayne feud: to summarize–Wayne, you think David is a fraud and turncoat–David, you think Wayne embodies all that you despise about gay people. Can we leave it at that and move on now?
David, this will be my last post as this rant of yours really shows your true colors and demonstrates in stark terms what you believe about gay people and how we lead our lives. Your twisted sense of history and the supposed facts that support this view are deeply flawed and amount to a hateful and insulting diatribe. While I guess it’s good that I know where you stand now, it also tells me that we literally have no common ground here. Your perspective is so contorted that reasonable debate is fruitless. Farewell.
Thank you, Mr. Benkof. You are a mensch.
There’s a lot to respond to here, but I can’t leave the “AIDS only affects gay people” charge unaddressed.
A quick fact break:
“In 2003, the rate of new AIDS cases for black women was 20 times that of white women and five times greater than the infection rate for Latinas, according to a report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Black and Hispanic women accounted for 77 percent of all new AIDS infections in 1994. Nine years later, the rate was 85 percent, according to the agency.
“That same year, black and Hispanic women made up 83 percent of reported AIDS diagnoses among women, although they represent only 25 percent of all women, according to Fraser-Howze’s New York-based commission. AIDS is among the three top causes of death for black women ages 35 to 44.”
Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A3318-2005Feb6.html