GAYS DEFEND MARRIAGE

I got an unsigned letter in March from a father who got my E-mail address from a family friend of his. He told me that his daughter, while still keeping kosher and observing the Sabbath, now identifies as bisexual and lives with another woman. He said his daughter knows better than to bring the woman’s name up in his presence, but she does discuss her relationship with his wife, her mother. He asked for reading suggestions and queried “What can we do? How can we help her back on the derech?” (The derech is the “way” of Orthodox Judaism.)

My response is below, with a few translations added in parentheses. I’m not sure I handled it exactly right (and I hate corresponding with anonymous people anyway), but I did my best. Those of you who think I’m an ogre may be surprised.

From the data you have given me, I’m not so sure she’s off the derech. Unlike men, women have no requirement to marry or have children. Women may not have genital relations with other women, but do you really know your daughter is participating in the sexual activities (”nashim hamesolelot“) that are against halacha (Jewish law)? I certainly don’t advise you to ask her. It may make the most sense to have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about her bedroom activities.

As far as I understand it, it is not against halacha for a Jewish woman to love another woman, live with another woman, and even share the same bed with another woman. While it is no doubt deeply disappointing to you as parents that she has not chosen to marry a Jewish man and have children with him, it is a legitimate Jewish choice. You would be mistaken to condemn her for doing something that is not against halacha. I think it is unfortunate that you have made it clear that she cannot talk about the woman she has chosen to share her life with. If she were discussing sexual immorality, I could understand it. But most likely she wants to talk about much more mundane things, some of which include this woman.

The most important thing you can do is express your love for your daughter, whatever her life choices. Particularly given that it appears she’s not flagrantly violating any halacha, I think it would be a mistake to use guilt or other incentives to try to change her behavior. Since she identifies as bisexual, not lesbian, and since female sexuality is particularly fluid, it is entirely possible that she will wind up with a more traditional Jewish family some day. Even if she doesn’t, you should be proud that you have instilled within her a basic religiosity that is expressed by her being, for the most part, shomer mitzvot (Jewishly observant).

The best book on homosexuality and Judaism is Rabbi Chaim Rapaport’s Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View. It’s mostly about men, though. You can also access my pamphlet on the subject by visiting www.isjudaismhomophobic.com.

My guess is I haven’t given you the kind of response you’re looking for. Believe it or not, I am a conservative Republican who opposes same-sex marriage and gay rabbis and thinks the halacha on homosexuality contains tremendous wisdom. But I see no need to demand that people go beyond the halacha with regards to how they structure their bedroom and family lives.

If you have further questions, let me know.

Best,

David Benkof