GAYS DEFEND MARRIAGE

In Re Marriage Cases ruled that same-sex marriage “will not deprive opposite-sex couples of any rights and will not alter the legal framework of the institution of marriage.” This echoes common “marriage equality” rhetoric, that claims gay marriage won’t change marriage, it will strengthen marriage. More conservative gays like Andrew Sullivan and Jonathan Rauch have made especially interesting arguments that same-sex marriage would strengthen the institution and American society, rather than cause harm.

If only it were true.

First of all, it is admirable that the “marriage equality” movement has hammered its talking points home to such a degree that few LGBT people openly talk about their hostility toward marriage or their goal to see marriage change. But many gays and lesbians definitely feel that way. The most recent director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Matt Foreman, told the National Journal three years ago that part of his goal in promoting same-sex marriage was to bring flexibility to the sexist institution itself: “Marriage is a profoundly conservative institution, and in many states it works against women in a very significant way.”

Then just today I got an E-mail from a reader of my “Blowback” piece in the LA Times. Regan DuCasse, a frequent poster on LGBT Web sites who lives in the San Fernando Valley, wrote me that “the intents and purposes of marriage have traditionally and inherently been misogynist and it can be argued that discomfort and hostility towards gay men and women are an extension of that misogyny. Equality in marriage is more a step towards an egalitarian purpose.” In other words, at least some LGBT people are hostile toward marriage as it exists, and they’re trying to “fix” it in part by opening it up to same-sex couples. Which they have the right to try to do. I just think everyone else should be informed about their true goals.

Then there are the actual ways that extending marriage to same-sex couples will change the institution. I’ll list just three:

• It will no longer automatically contain the ideal configuration for raising a child.

• Problematic kinds of relationships that are commonly found in the LGBT community but virtually unheard of among opposite-sex couples – such as relationships based on the incest model (Daddy-boy relationships) and chattel slavery (master-slave relationships) will have every right to use the word marriage to describe their disturbing mode for two spouses to relate to each other.

• It is quite rare for heterosexual (or lesbian!) couples to come up with “monogamy of the heart” or “ethical non-monogamy” agreements that allow each other to have sex with outsiders as long as certain conditions are met (like no kissing, or only out of town, or only if I can watch). Such arrangements are more the rule than the exception among male-male relationships. Gay.com claims that about a third of gay couples are sexually exclusive, and that number sounds high to me. I have never been at a soiree with multiple straight “committed” couples in which someone suggests we take off our clothes and see what happens, but I’m sad to say it’s happened with gay friends in long-term relationships. Of course, I know, many men cheat on their wives. But they almost never define their marriage as something that accommodates adultery.

So I’m afraid I have to conclude that marriage will change if it is opened to same-sex couples, which is precisely what some, but not all, advocates of “marriage equality” would like to see happen.