GAYS DEFEND MARRIAGE

One problem with the “marriage equality” movement is that too many of its leaders have no idea what marriage is. For example, one of the most prominent rabbis defending same-sex marriage in California is in an open relationship with her husband in which each has the other’s permission to commit adultery.

(I have held my tongue on telling this story for more than a decade, but now that this woman’s agenda has come to fruition, I think it’s important for people to understand the vision of “marriage” supported by some adherents of this movement. On the advice of an Orthodox rabbi I’m friends with, I’m not disclosing this rabbi’s name or congregation.)

A dozen years ago, when I first began to wonder whether my commitment to my Jewish faith necessitated an end to my pursuit of gay sex and a transition toward opposite-sex dating and even marriage. I approached a thoughtful rabbi who had done much work with LGBT people, and we shared a meal in which we discussed my feelings. What follows is a greatly condensed version of the key exchange in our conversation:

Rabbi “Angelina”: I think you need to have sex with a woman, and see how it feels.

Me: What do you expect me to do – hire a prostitute? Start frequenting pick-up bars until I get lucky?

Rabbi Angelina: Well, why don’t you have sex with me?

Pause.

Me: But you’re married. You have a kid.

Rabbi Angelina: My husband and I have an arrangement. He’d be OK with it.

Me: Thanks, but I’ll pass.

Rabbi Angelina: Well, why not? I find you attractive. I like how smart you are.

Me: Um, you’re 15 years older than I am. I’m just not interested.

Rabbi Angelina: Now you’ve hurt my feelings. I’ve put myself out there for you and you shot me down.

Me: Well, I’m sorry…

Rabbi Angelina: After all, you came on to me first.

Me: Excuse me?

Rabbi Angelina: You came on to me, with all that talk about sex. Everybody knows that when a man makes explicit sex talk to a woman, he’s interested in sleeping with her.

The whole conversation disturbed me, and helped convince me that those pushing to abandon Judaism’s preference for opposite-sex relationships were not making much moral sense. A few years later, I approached Rabbi Angelina, and suggested she seek counseling, with or without my assistance, to explore the possibility her behavior may have been inappropriate for a rabbi. Her response? “Never contact me again.”

For the past few years, Rabbi Angelina has refused to sign marriage licenses for brides and grooms in protest of the fact same-sex couples couldn’t marry. Of course, she never admitted to anyone that her vision of acceptable marriages is not limited to ignoring the sex of the the prospective spouses, but to making fidelity optional as well.

I am certainly not saying that all supporters of same-sex marriage are adulterous abusers of the power of the clergy. Most are not. But a surprising number are very confused about what marriage is. I know one gay man who sees no reason for the government to prevent a father and his teenage son from tying the knot. And as far as I can tell I am the only member of the LGBT community who has expressed concern about the extension of marriages to relationships based in part on the eroticization of incest (Daddy-boy relationships) and of chattel slavery (master-slave relationships). Not all members of these subcultures of the gay community keep their kinks in their bedrooms. Some of these couples live out their role playing in their daily lives. Extending matrimony to such relationships would so dilute the meaning of marriage that the institution would become unrecognizable.

So the next time someone proposes changing the definition of marriage, ask a lot of questions about what they think marriage is all about. You may be surprised that they, like Rabbi Angelina, are very confused about the purpose of marriage in our society.